Current mood:

drained

smother me. cover me. suffocate me.
Bleh.

I drank a lot last night. Or at least, I drank a lot for me. It was my best friend's birthday party...and I think I did good. I made her this cute little slide-show thing, with tons of pictures of her and Queen's You're My Best Friend for background music. Playable on any dvd player. I played it for her at the party, and I think she may have teared up a little. So shweet.

My head has been filled with so much confusion...from myself, my responsibilities, to my relationship and my health. The other day I woke up with stabbing pains in my lower abdomen, serious, gut-wrenching, incapacitating pains. I had to lie down for a little while...I even thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. But, after a while they went away as suddenly as they came. Then...the holidays are coming up. Doc can be so bitchy, and I know I can too. Every time I try to leave her, she somehow convinces me that we can make it work if we both just chill out and give a little. I have no idea if she's right or wrong, I just know that a stressful relationship is the last thing I need right now, what with my stomach ulcer conditions coming back. I can't afford an ulcer...I can't even afford Christmas. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need a job so bad...but I think I've kind of fucked myself, because I will not put up with bullshit or being shit on by a superior...which pretty much means I've never held a job for more than 8 months or so.

I wish I could just win the lottery. Or I wish a publishing company would pick up my book. I need to try to write a novel...even an autobiography. I've made many attempts to start a book, but it always turns out to be something that I'm not crazy about. I've just always felt that I was more of a poetry and short story kind of writer. But then again, I feel like poetry has kind of lost it's way in the world...so who would read a collection of my poetry? Lately I feel like I'm writing it for nothing. When I was 16 in high school, I actually believed that I'd someday be a famous poet. Maybe now that I know better, poetry has lost it's luster for me. I used to just sit and write for the love of it, but it just sucks to think that I'll never be able to get anything back for it. It doesn't even seem like people enjoy it that much, or are all that enthusiastic about reading it at all...

Well, Thanksgiving is fast-approaching, which is so yay! I loves me some turkey. I think out of all Thanksgiving food, I'm a stuffing fan. I love stuffing...and I put gravy on it which makes it amazing. Back when I was a little kid, when I lived in Illinois with my all my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma etc) we'd all get together for Thanksgiving...God, I miss that. My grandma, mother, aunts, and even my older sister would get in the kitchen and make all the food. My grandma made these noodles...they were like a mixture between a dumpling and a noodle...created with flour, egg, and water..with turkey dripping for the base. I don't know what else went in them, but those noodles were pure heaven.

I want the innocence and ignorance of being a kid again.

ul-cer
n.
1. A lesion of the skin or a mucous membrane such as the one lining the stomach or duodenum that is accompanied by formation of pus and necrosis of surrounding tissue, usually resulting from inflammation or ischemia.
2. A corrupting condition or influence.