bois_inside

Mmm, had some at work today. I love those little avocado veggie rolls...nummy.

WOOOO HOOOO, Kelly and I found an apartment! Hooray. It's so adorable, small...but adorable. It's also never...that's right...nevvver been lived in. Need to paint it...can't fucking wait to move in.

I realized today that for the first time for a long time...like 2 years, that I am in a relationship that I'm really devoted to. One that I am in with all of my heart. I find myself scared sometimes, but really happy at other times, like when just walking home from work with my dog, Trin at my side just thinking about that future. We'll both come home at night, each exhausted from the day, and I'll curl up in her arms and be so filled with how much I love her...I don't want that to ever fade.

I am addicted to this guacamole dip...holy jesus it's goooood.

So...my job sucks...that's not true, I love it, but maybe that's why it sucks. Because the pay is crap and the hours are crap, but I just can't leave because it's just such an awesome place to work. It's so laid back, and in the basic field of what I wanna do. Well, one of the things I want to do anyway. It's definitely not a job with OnOurBacks Magazine or anything. I bike to work now, and hells yeah it's awesome exercise but it was so ungodly hot today. Usually I can bike the 2 miles easy, but today...all those red lights...stopping and starting again, all that pedaling seemed more strenuous then ever. Turns out there was a heat warning for today. "96 degrees...feels like: 108" and that's for right now, at almost 5pm. I'm ready for fall.

On the YAY side of things...I've been looking at apartments and houses for rent for the past 2 days. Looking for that perfect place for Kelly and I. I don't even know what I want anymore...I did really want to live in an adorable duplex type place, but now I'm thinking maybe more of a building. All in all, I'd looove one of those amazing loft apartments with exposed brick and piping. So cute. I can't wait to get out of here...this apartment is such a craphole...our ceiling leaks...they fixed it, it will probably still leak. Not to mention more privacy...doing dishes naked, singing whenever I want, requesting that Kelly walk around topless at all times...sex on the kitchen counter, sex on the living room couch...sex anywhere...*sighs* yes...that would be a dream come true. I found that I was gnawing on my lip when I completed that thought...

Other than that...just constantly thinking about the future. Is she right for me? Is she it? The thing is, my mind keeps telling me that it's impossible because thus far I haven't had a relationship that hasn't ended...obviously...so how could this one not end? And while I know that we probably won't last forever, that we'll probably end up splitting up and going our separate ways, I just can't help but to close my eyes and let her happen. Giving into her a little more with each passing day. Love is so completely terrifying in the most amazing and pleasurable way. I look at every part of her and think to myself that I've never seen anything more beautiful. I want this. I want it to be good, and pure, and loving, and lasting.

The storm outside matches my mood.

My head aches...I can't stop biting my lip...sometimes it seems like things never go my fucking way.
I just want to be happy. I just want a simple, happy life.

My God...where have I been? Not that it matters much because I have very few friends for this journal.

But juuust in case anyone happens to read this...

I've been in happily somewhat domestic lesbian bliss. Ok, so the fashion show was like 2 months ago...it turned out to be fucking shweet. My girlfriend, Kelly...came from Utah to see it...and yeah...stayed!!! So, she is here, in Virginia, with me :) That's right, she just straight up didn't get on her plane. She got the exact some job she had in utah, here...within 2 weeks. And so the story continues...

I'm working at this little Dog Grooming place as a grooming assistant, and so far...it's not too bad. Wish I made more...story of my life.

We reeeally want to get into our own place. Well, I know I do and I'm pretty sure she does too but neither of us have a car so transportation is a bitch. Very much wishing I lived in D.C. or Philly, or New York right about now.

As for my writing...eh...haven't done anything amazing lately. But I want to go a different direction with it. I typically write about love, lust, erotica, pain...I want to build a story. Tried before...and it just fizzled. I didn't get very far with it.

So that's what I've been up to. Working, my hunny...and just living life.

I wish for things everyday...I am never not wanting. Some things never change...but everything else has.

So...my sister rented a beach house for the first week of May and my my it was such good times. We even made a fabulously terrible horror movie...

We all woke up yesterday morning (the last day of our being here) to what looked like a hurricane outside. I guess the all the booze and our need to entertain ourselves lead to the attempt to make a movie.

Suuuuch drunken hilariousness.

shot of the beach from the house before the terrible weather.
commence to drinking!!!
In between "scenes..."
And the fabulous movie promo shot for "Cannibal Bitches Gone Wild." Coming soon to a theater near you.

Well...in my opinion.

Posting this here, cuz I thought it just a tad too erotic for Birls...but I wanted to share...let me know what you think!
Wish I could submit it to OnOurBacks, but it isn't long enough. I sooo wish I could write for them though.


"Communion"
By: Abby Waller 2005

Dipping the tips of your fingers in liquid chocolate, your eyes stare into mine.
As I bring your fingers to my mouth and part my lips for their entry, you slowly shut them.
Milk chocolate and the taste of your flesh hit my tongue.
I roll your fingers in my mouth and taunt you with a hard swallow.
And like some seductive vamp you moan as if I'm sucking your rigid cock.
I lay you down and bring my cunt to your face, you try to receive me but I only pull away.
This time, your lips unmoving, I lower my heat onto your mouth.
I drag myself across your lips, and down to your chin.
Your tongue slides across your lips to taste away what I left behind.
I hover my sodden folds just over your nose...mere inches, bidding you to breathe me in.
And when you do, you grab my ass and pull me into your mouth.
You fuck away at my insides with a greedy, unrelenting tongue.
Your tremulous moans causing short sudden after shocks in my clit.
You pull me off of you and throw me onto my back;
As your teeth are sinking into the soft flesh of my neck as you fill me, swollen and ready, with your fingers.
And as you violate my every crease with hard, pounding thrusts…
I retaliate by digging my nails into your taut shoulders.
I move a single finger between your thighs, the discovery of saturation takes me over.
I slip my middle finger into you and you close your eyes, your jaw tightening...accepting me.
You moving into me, and I into you...your body meets mine.
Our mouths conjure a whole new utopia as we achingly kiss one another.
I look up you with small, searching, meek eyes;
And you stare back, with your own, pacifying and tender.
Our bodies were carved to fit into each other in this moment…
And I take you as you take all of me.

Ok...aaaand update.

I just got back from Utah on Saturday, went to see my lady. I had such an amazing time, and sooo much fun while I was there.

Much of my time spent there was just a whole lot of sex. Actually, we'd been in our hotel room for all of about 10 minutes and she's really working me...deep...yeah baby *grins* and what happens? I get my rag. OF course. A week early no less. Buuut, my stud was on hers in Vegas soooo I got to work her over quite well in Utah. Just thinking about it now makes me feel all dizzy. I've never actually made love to a girl, never even loved a girl really. I thought I loved this girl Amber, but I think that was just puppy love. With Kelly...I look at her, and just know I'm going to fall flat on my face for her. She makes me weak...and makes me strong at the same time. She makes me a submissive little bottom, and the hottest top I'll ever be, and I'm comfortable either way. I fucking love her body...her skin alone makes me melt, it's a dark olive...I call her my indian princess sometimes because she has indian eyes, dark hair...dark skin...so beautiful, I look at her sometimes and she takes my breath away. She's so fucking sexy, we are sexy together. We're like one of those couples that gets everyone hot or makes them wanna barf from how adorable we are together or how all over each other we are depending on where we are and what mood we're in.

Ah, and not to mention she makes me wanna get my ass in gear. Not just with maintaining being in good shape or like looking good. I want to make her proud, show her I'm intelligent and talented and that I'll be a damn good catch. She worked her ass off to snag me, and waited for so long. *sighs* I'm like the luckiest girl ever...I should stop gushing now, huh? Whatever...chicks love romance...and anyone who reads my journal is a big ol dyke...as far as I know ;)

Soooo what did we do while I was out there? Well, we walked evvverywhere. Got to see a bit of downtown Salt Lake City, and God it really is beautiful there. We went to a cute little brew pub place where I had a nutty tasting beer called "chasing tail." very yummy. After that we went to see "Million Dollar Baby." Really, SOOOO good. I loved it. Made me cry. I already want to see it again. Then we went to some club that was jam packed so we got some drinks and cuddled on a big comfy couch in a dark corner where I convinced her that we should just make out...she happily obliged :) The next day she took me to breakfast and then the zoo because I looove animals. I gots to see these adorable little animals that looked like a cross between a dog, kangaroo, and rabbit to me called, mara. That same night we went out to a club with some of Kelly's friends. I got very very nicely drunkafied that night, danced my ass off with Kelly and just had an all around awesome fucking time. Kelly and I were the lesbian hottness and all the girlies wanted to make out with us...and yeah...some of them were permitted to do so ;) Then sex on the floor of some random boy's bathroom that Kelly's friend Amy was pseudo-dating. Apparently Kelly and I fancy bathrooms. We are sure to make it the standing up kind of sex in "public" bathrooms. lol The last night I was there we had a very nice dinner complete with a few glasses of wine to make me feel all giddy and cheery. Then more intense love making followed by her passing out. I packed that night and let her sleep so she wouldn't have to see me pack in the morning...

Now I'm home and missing her. Missing every single part of her. From the strands of dark brown and blonde that hang in her face, to her always giving and succulent lips that curl into the most gorgeous smile I'll ever have the privilege of putting on any girl's face, her laugh when I say something she thinks is beyond adorable, her arms holding her small but strong frame above mine, the way she gets heated when she's really passionate about what she's saying, her hott rocker boi style, to how she is so patient, tender, and loving with me.

Enough Mush?

Yeah...well...I can't help it. It's the first time I've ever felt this way.

( Yes that is my tongue in the Last one )

Vegas was awwwwesome! I don't know why I would have ever thought it wouldn't be. Just seeing her smiling face was enough to make my heart melt. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever felt, I cried on the plane as I had to watch the lights of Vegas slowly get farther and farther away. I wish I would have said more, touched her more...kissed her and told her how I felt more, simply because I have to wait until I see her again...and it will feel like forever until I'll feel at home in her arms.

I remember rounding the corner to baggage claim, and having her grab me and pull me to her...and we just held eachother for a long time and then she kissed me. We both teared up pretty good, and just smiled at eachother.

Naturally there was plently of lesbian sex, but I won't go into detail ;) Let's just say that practically every inch of that hotel room got cristened by two very lusty girls...

She ended up taking me to 3 different shows while we were there, 2 of which were on the strip. One at club Krave, called "Fashionistas," and one at the New York New York hotel called, "Zumanity." Both were so fucking awesome. So artsy and erotic. Infact, while we were watching the Zumanity show, some random person walked behind us and grazed their hand along our shoulders while we were sharing a pretty hot kiss. The third show was one of those dinner theatre things. It was really cute, and funny...and the food was pretty good too. I actually didn't do a lot of gambling, mainly because it's just kind of intimidating to walk up to a table with a bunch of people who probably know a hell of a lot more what they're doing then I would. We did drink plenty, neither of us got shit-faced or anything, but we certainly had a really good time together. Ah, and we were practically celebrities out there. People actually took pictures of us. Lesbians are apparently few in Vegas. We got hollered at and checked out so much it was ridiculous.

Over all though, with the lights and excitement of Vegas, I really just enjoyed being able to touch her, kiss her, watch her sleep. Being able to finally be in her arms...oh, and I go and see her again on the 6th of April...this time in Utah, where she lives! It doesn't seem that far away, but every second feels like forever not having her...

And here's some Pictures of the trip...most of them just being she and I...guess we kinda forgot to take some of Vegas ;)

( Vegas Baby Vegas )

HELLS YES for my 21st Birthday! I gots way trashed last night...and my tab was...oh yeah...ZERO dollars. You gotta love people who buy you drinks just because it's your 21st. I actually had to turn down drinks because I was too damned smashed to drink anymore.

Here's me drinking a...what else? Muff-Diver...mmmm. Doesn't it look hella nasty? Yeah...I kicked everyone's ass suckin it up though ;)

And just so the boys didn't feel left out they had one too...nevermind the weird-ass face I'm making...

They're polaroids some random person snapped at the bar...so they're kinda shitty quality.

Ah yes....AND VEGAS in T Minus 52 hours!!! Basically 2 days...I am soooooo nervous. Very excited, but nervous too. We just might rape eachother in the airport. Either that or I will be stupidly shy and nervous.

Wish me luck!!!

Tonight...was great...tonight was pimp...tonight, I won one for lesbians everywhere.

I started drinking at 5 p.m. today, and got in from a bar at 2:45 a.m. Maybe that says a lot right there.


( I was lesbian awesomeness tonight... )

sex sex sex...is that all that is on my mind as of late? well...i AM going through withdraw...saving myself for Ms. Perfect ;)

i'm an extremely sensual person...sex is my art...it's my forte...
i want to fuck in practically every way that is humanly possible. push the limits...that is me...
fuck the norm...i'm not a freak...but i want to be tongue-fucked in the ass, and finger fucked in the mouth...and have dripping wet pink folds on my tongue.

i can not win...i am deemed too kinky by some, and by the rest "confused."

...like i'm not really queer because i like to get fucked? *sighs* but it remains true...from the back, from the front, and as hard as i can handle it. i like pain, i like being beaten a little, tied up...pain...pain is pleasure when controlled...with trust.

and now i've worked myself up...

Fuck you(who?)...I like the new L word. I've been hearing a lot of dirt on it...but I actually like it. I think in any given episode where it does get dry or too campy, Alice saves the day. She is so cute, and her humor is so refreshing with the steady drama fix the L word supplies. And what the hell Ivan? Just bite the bullet and convince Kit to eat your vagina or suck your strap-on...God knows I would. Shane...always sexy...always so freaking hot, but does anyone else think she's getting a little soft? She's feeling Bette's pain, but screw Bette...she has it coming to her. Tina was a hot piece of ass last season and still has it goin' on...especially if you dig them pregnant chicks...hey whatever...fertillity is hot. Bette just needed a little butch action, but what does she expect after making Tina a pillow-princess? Don't even get me started on Dana. Now, in my opinion, Dana has the best rack out of the whole cast...save maybe Alice...and that alone makes me almost forgive her for allowing herself to be a doormat for the megabitch. Marina...oh man, see...I liked her character. That accent, that face...yum. But she's married to some lame-ass italian guy...yeah, ok...great way to write her character out. And Jenny, well...I never really liked Jenny. She gives us writers a bad name, and I hate to admit it...but but...she's growing on me. Her writing still needs to be given the death penalty, but at least she's growing a little bit of a brain. So yeah...the L Word can be a little corny at times, but it's still very new. I'm hoping it will be around for a while and that it will mature as well as get better and better with each passing season. And what about that new girl, Carmen? Ouch...hot.


And just because pictures are always good, and because thrift stores are even better!

Me and my best friend...apparently the flash confused him.


I am such a hussy...


Thrift store shirt...oh yes.

Me: yeah now if only i could get a job getting paid for talking to you, we'd have it made
Her: yes we would
Her: well actually if you're interested i may have a position for you
Me: oh is that so? as it turns out i am open for a number of positions
Me: wide open actually
Her: how'd you like to start in march?...saaay mid-month?
Her: we can negotiate a salary then
Me: hmmmm...let me look at my availability, yes...i just might be able to squeeze you in...
Her: and you may not know but...there's plenty of room for advancement, if you're career minded...mostly my advancement though ;-)
Me: mm, yeah i'd love to climb that corporate ladder ;-)
Her: so as you can see, you can easily make a career out of it
Her: and i love to be climbed...i mean it, the ladder loves to be climbed
Her: and i'm not going to lie...the hours can be pretty demanding...in most cases long into the flesh, i mean night
Me: HAHAHA...oh my god Hahaaha
Me: hm, well...that can actually be agreeable to me, i love hard work...really I'm...very....hard....working.
Me: i mean if it takes staying up all night to get the job done, really...i'm your girl...i mean, there is overtime copulation...um, compensation that is?
Her: ok then...i shall fax you the contract and an employee handbook post haste...oh, be sure to read over the sexual harassment section...some good pointers in there
Her: of course you will be reentered, i mean reimbursed for every sex act, i mean second...dammit
Me: hahahahaaa...ohhh baby...i mean, sir....are you coming into..i mean...on to me?
Her: why that is unethical ma'am...i'm almost offended
Her: but yes...just so you know...i want to sleep with you very badly...but that can only be good for your career
Her: if you catch my drift ;-)
Me: oh sir...well...I NEVER! I am NOT that kind of girl...well...i mean, i suppose we could work something out...are you married?
Her: i'm married to my job
Me: ahh...well, i can be quite the stress reliever...working with me, will not even feel like work at all.
Her:...you can start right now
Me: mmm don't i wish
Me: i have to transfer you realize?
Me: that is asking a lot...
Me: and my services are in high demand ;-)
Her: i'll double your highest offer
Her: triple if i have to
Me: hmmm
Her: i must have you


Wow...and don't we get so inventive?

Breathing and Beating...
My eyes aching, red...and open.
My heart is twisted and wrapped around your throat.
Thick suffocation, I am your intoxication.
You move, you writhe, all while watching my eyes.
Sinking my teeth into your kiss...and watching you rise.
Coming for pain, for pleasure...for twisted bliss.
Just to imagine that this could really exist.
Perversions so pure you'd think they were scripture.
A beautiful filth that I can get off on with her...








It's not so far, and I'm not so afraid...
I want to be yours if only for a day.

She's in me now. I think it's inevitable. I can't escape even if I wanted to. I'm a slave to lust. Distance is only an obstacle, and will not hinder my want. I will have her, her splayed aggression...all for me.
And we're so much more...

ME: my shower turned into a bath that turned into splashing water from my rapid hand movements.
ME: i breathed and moaned for someone miles away...
ME: my heart was heavy, but i let it all go.
Me: and i breathed your name...
Her: damn
Me: twice.
Her: you know i was thinking of you the entire time
Her: so i was almost there
ME: and i was thinking of you there watching me. my head tilted back, lips parted...legs spread, one resting on the bathtub's edge
Her: oh my god
Her: how did you get to be so sexy?
Me: i don't know...i never really found myself quite this sexy until you. i mean, i've always felt sexy...but not like this. fucking myself is an experience.

Just telling her about my masturbation habits rouses poetry in me.

I'm waiting.

i killed my first pair of batteries in a vibrator tonight. distance is a mother fucking bitch.


fuck phone sex.
fuck poetry sex.
fuck making love with words...with sighs...with her breath and mine.

i want the real thing.

but damn...i sure have learned a lot about how to get myself off like whoa.

god i hope we are worth each other's wait. i'm sick of being supersticious...fuck that. no more seeing the glass as half empty, or crossing my fingers, no more knocking on wood. it will be amazing, dammit. there's only one wood i wanna knock on...and that's hers.

i'm so witty.

7 days until Valentine's day...and I'm praying I will have enough cash to do all I want to do. I have 3 people I want to get Valentine's stuff for...I can't help it, I love my friends, and I can't just get stuff for my hunny.

I have been racking my brain on what I should get her though, and I have some awesome ideas...thing is, what with the time it'll take to actually ship the stuff to her...I don't know if it'll get there on time. I suck. I need to fucking get a job. I've never applied to such a high volume of places and with such randomness in my life. *sighs*

I am hella excited to model in my sister's up-coming fashion show. With shoes I'm going to be like 5'10" or 5'11" so screw not being tall enough. Plus, Nancy says that I'm so thin and have a good shape that I just look really tall as it is. I was kind of worried about it, but whatever...I've got a hot little body, and I know how to walk ;)

I have been a music downloading junkie, with that and my delving into E.E. Cummings lately, I am so love-sick. It's insane how many songs are about love...and as for poetry...well, that's a given. I've been slowing down a little on my writing, and have been drinking more. I'm not a drunk or anything, but I don't know it just makes things easier. Makes the stress fall away a bit...


Bleh...I'm sick. I'm sniffly, and coughing. Would someone please tell Virginia to stop switching up the weather?

Oh God...

I find myself sighing dozens of times a day, but nothing will bring her here.

No dreams...no erotic conversations, no heavy masturbation satisfies me. It has gotten to such a difficult point...and, I know she wants me too, which only makes it that much harder. She does the sweetest things for me...calls me out of the blue, sends me flowers, sings to me...oh god, the way she sings. She just keeps reminding me to be patient, and I try. I tell her I'll be good and stop being such a baby about not being able to see her every day, but it really is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.

My journal has become an ink-stained testament of the tortured passion I go through with practically every shower. I'm writing again, which is so good...it feels good. I try to record smiles, and random thoughts about life, love, death...even spirituality that I used to let pass me by. I need to keep this passion...this drive.

"REAL" Journal excerpt #1: "Milk me and pour me out to the masses. Giving into the pain as it slowly passes. A muse for all to rape and plunder; Used up and rotting, and left in wonder."

"REAL" Journal excerpt #2: "Just to be able to run my fingers through your hair would turn my heart a darker shade of red..."

"REAL" Journal excerpt #3...from a reeeally great dream:
"I know my heart is pounding. You're calm, collected, and wearing a smirk that I still can not get out of my mind. 'Pull up your skirt.' you firmly tell me. I don't hesitate, I do as I'm told. I pull the bottom of my short skirt up over my thighs...You tell me to bend over, and I do..." From there it gets quite steamy and that is for my reading pleasure only.

So obviously I've been writing, and yesss much of it is lusty scribbles, but not all of it. One thing that remains constant with me though is that I'm so sensual. I can't help it...and lust, love, and desire fascinate and inspire me. I am an artist and she is my muse.

ME: and how do you need me?
Her: like earth needs the sun

And one more sigh completes this entry.

update? why not.



Well, life is slowly turning back to normal...I think. I don't even know what normal is anymore. I'm really enjoying the single life, no matter how many hott chicks I see...they're all straight anyway, right?

I've been writing again, which is beyond belief to me. I'm not even sure where the inspiration comes from sometimes...it just comes out. Anger, frustration, and confusion.

A huge part of me wishes I could just play the field. I mean, I love women. I can't get enough of them. But doesn't there always seem to be one that tugs at your heart strings? One that you can't have? One that seems oh so dangerous and oh so hott?

I keep telling myself it's better this way. I should stay single. Work on me...and my writing.

I can do this.
Can't I?

Bleh.

I drank a lot last night. Or at least, I drank a lot for me. It was my best friend's birthday party...and I think I did good. I made her this cute little slide-show thing, with tons of pictures of her and Queen's You're My Best Friend for background music. Playable on any dvd player. I played it for her at the party, and I think she may have teared up a little. So shweet.

My head has been filled with so much confusion...from myself, my responsibilities, to my relationship and my health. The other day I woke up with stabbing pains in my lower abdomen, serious, gut-wrenching, incapacitating pains. I had to lie down for a little while...I even thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. But, after a while they went away as suddenly as they came. Then...the holidays are coming up. Doc can be so bitchy, and I know I can too. Every time I try to leave her, she somehow convinces me that we can make it work if we both just chill out and give a little. I have no idea if she's right or wrong, I just know that a stressful relationship is the last thing I need right now, what with my stomach ulcer conditions coming back. I can't afford an ulcer...I can't even afford Christmas. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need a job so bad...but I think I've kind of fucked myself, because I will not put up with bullshit or being shit on by a superior...which pretty much means I've never held a job for more than 8 months or so.

I wish I could just win the lottery. Or I wish a publishing company would pick up my book. I need to try to write a novel...even an autobiography. I've made many attempts to start a book, but it always turns out to be something that I'm not crazy about. I've just always felt that I was more of a poetry and short story kind of writer. But then again, I feel like poetry has kind of lost it's way in the world...so who would read a collection of my poetry? Lately I feel like I'm writing it for nothing. When I was 16 in high school, I actually believed that I'd someday be a famous poet. Maybe now that I know better, poetry has lost it's luster for me. I used to just sit and write for the love of it, but it just sucks to think that I'll never be able to get anything back for it. It doesn't even seem like people enjoy it that much, or are all that enthusiastic about reading it at all...

Well, Thanksgiving is fast-approaching, which is so yay! I loves me some turkey. I think out of all Thanksgiving food, I'm a stuffing fan. I love stuffing...and I put gravy on it which makes it amazing. Back when I was a little kid, when I lived in Illinois with my all my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma etc) we'd all get together for Thanksgiving...God, I miss that. My grandma, mother, aunts, and even my older sister would get in the kitchen and make all the food. My grandma made these noodles...they were like a mixture between a dumpling and a noodle...created with flour, egg, and water..with turkey dripping for the base. I don't know what else went in them, but those noodles were pure heaven.

I want the innocence and ignorance of being a kid again.

ul-cer
n.
1. A lesion of the skin or a mucous membrane such as the one lining the stomach or duodenum that is accompanied by formation of pus and necrosis of surrounding tissue, usually resulting from inflammation or ischemia.
2. A corrupting condition or influence.